SLIPPERY SLOPE - AN EXPERIMENT GONE BAD

Tuesday, June 21, 2011
So, have you noticed lately that all the celebrities and glamorous people seem to be flaunting those shiny, glossy legs?  Well, I did.  So, I thought I'd be sassy and try it out for myself.  I must confess, my inspiration came from watching the Reunion Show of the Real Housewives of Orange County.  Yes, I realize that this is a problem in and of itself.  I just couldn't stop myself.  Hubby was out of town and I had the television to myself.  Which, obviously, shouldn't happen.  But, it did.

These women were all sitting with perfect posture, legs all in a row.  Like they had rehearsed with the Rockettes or something.  Each and every pair angled in the same direction.  And, oh so tan and shiny.  Had to have me some of that. 




See?  Even Gwyneth is trying it.  Her legs are VERY shiny.  I think she had the same problem I had.  Her hand can't help but touch the shininess. (Is that even a word?)


Have I ever mentioned that I'm very fair?  Freckled?  My legs are the least affected by the freckling, but you can still see them, if you look closely enough.  But, I had been at the pool a few times this summer and wasn't quite as opaque white as I usually am.  So, I thought I'd go for it.  If these ladies could pull it off, certainly I could do it.  This was something I might try.  Surgery to alter body parts - not so much.  Injections to make other parts look freakishly large and inflated.  None for me, please.  As if I could afford to do either if I really wanted to, anyway.

Back to the matter at hand.  Hubby and I were going on a date night.  One of those great movie theaters that have full restaurant and bar service.  It is the only time I am able to stay awake for an entire movie.  Have to have my hands busy.  Eating and drinking does the trick.  Lasts longer than the normal popcorn and diet soda, which doesn't typically make it past the previews. 

So, since I was wearing a skirt, and flaunting one of my best assets, my legs, I thought I'd accentuate them a bit.  Maybe I could have simply donned a sandwich board that said, "Hey, take a looky at my legs - they're so shiny and glamorous!"  They were shiny, but not so glamorous. I don't think anyone noticed.  Here's how it really went down:

  • I used Baby Oil Gel.  Don't be fooled - it's just as slimy as the original stuff.  After several washings of my hands, I was still unable to get it all off.  Thank goodness I did this after I had completely finished getting ready.  If I had even tried to touch my hair, it would have been immediately weighed down by this glistening spawn of Satan.

  • I couldn't not touch my legs from that point on.  It's kind of like a tooth that hurts that you just keep pushing at with your tongue.  You're not quite sure why, but you just do. 

  • After touching my legs, I would inevitably touch my face.  I don't use pressed powder.  I remember thinking those girls that carried those little compacts with the stuff and reapplied it twenty times a day were silly.  I would have killed to have one, or just spy someone with one nearby.  I probably would have tackled her for it.

  • Hubby and I were in the car, on the way to the movies, sans Little Guy.  We did our natural hand holding.  Then, he got a bit frisky and moved his hand to my leg.  Sorry if this is TMI - it's integral to the story.  It's not meant to be sensational.  His hand wouldn't have gone up if it tried.  It slid right down and off my leg entirely.  To which he of course asked, "What the heck is that?!"  I tried to explain.  To no avail.  He seemed quite puzzled.  Oh, and if I even mentioned that the Real Housewives were my inspiration, he quite likely would file for divorce.  Or, have me committed.

  • While at the movies, I attempted to cross my legs and they wouldn't quite stay that way.  They would just kind of glide.  I now know that this is why those Real Housewives ladies simply had their legs together and cocked at an angle.  Because they COULDN'T cross their legs if they tried.  And, it probably would leave odd streak marks too. 

  • Even after the movie passed, and we went home, and I changed clothes, etc., the stuff still lingered.  No, it didn't linger - it was there just as if I had applied it seconds before.  And, it kind of makes your legs stick to the sheets a bit.  Oh - and that doesn't make you feel sexy. 

CONCLUSION:

I'll leave the super glamorous shiny leg look to all those celebrities that pay someone to apply it for them.  That's got to be the only way to do it.  Oh - and you shouldn't come in contact with anything - or anyone - while you've got it on.  The label on the bottle says that the oil gel shouldn't come in contact with fabric, because it may stain.  So, I guess it's only okay to wear it if you're naked and standing up.  It could be dangerous, or embarrassing, otherwise. 

Have you tried this trend yourself?  Do you have a better suggestion for shiny legs that turned out better than mine?  Or, are you just sane enough to know that it's a bad idea, without even trying it?  Unlike me.  Live and learn.

3 comments:

Michelle Davenport said...

Sounds like the cuticle oil massage we got on our legs from that little nail salon.... just as gross!

Maggie said...

That is hilarious! With my luck I would try it and end up falling in some dirt or feathers and look really hot! Lol

Anonymous said...

Hysterical! My jaw and stomach hurt so much from laughing. Love you

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